Before Kids…

A friend posted this video on Facebook, and it was the best laugh I’d had all week. Take a look:

How hard did you laugh? I know. Me too!! Tears running down my face.

Now, I am sure that there are some childless people out there who can imagine exactly what it would be like to have children. I wasn’t one of them. Most moms will tell you that there are just some things that they never knew they didn’t know (still following?) before having children. So, feeling inspired by the above video, here are mine:

With kids, nothing ever goes precisely as planned. When I went into labor with Benjamin, I arrived at the hospital with my bags and my books and my (detailed) birth-plan. The delivery nurse took one look at me and said, “The most organized moms are usually the ones who have a c-section”. She was right. Look, I’m a planner. I have a Plan A, B and C spinning in my head at all times, so learning to let go a little has been hard for me. The first time that Pierre and I took the boys to Disney World, Benjamin developed a fever pretty much the minute we stepped-off the plane in Orlando. We spent the next two days laying low while the fever took its course, not the vision we had for The Happiest Place on Earth. But, it all ended up okay. We had a great vacation. Sometimes the most fun happens when you let go of the plans.

You will never do as much laundry in your life as you do after having children. I think that my boys are on a mission to see just how much laundry they can generate each day. I have a pile of clean clothes sitting on our guest-room bed just waiting to be folded. Under them is the pile for a few days ago. There is a load in my washing machine and another in the dryer, with two loads waiting on the floor. I can’t keep up with the laundry. I should buy stock in Tide.

Children get dirty, and they make everything else dirty too. See above comment about laundry. Look, I knew this about kids. I taught elementary school.  If you really, really can’t deal with mess, you’re probably better off getting a fish than having a kid or two or four. My house will never be entirely clean. It’ll probably never even be partly clean, at least not for very long. I make sure to take a good look around after I’ve vacuumed and mopped, dusted and scrubbed, because I know that the results are fleeting. I have two boys and a puppy. Someone is always making a mess. When Nicholas walks through the door after school he immediately takes of his socks, and puts them on my kitchen counter. Yuck. I’ve developed an addiction to scented candles. They will mask just about anything. And there is nothing like a sweet smell to make you think the house is clean when it’s not.

You will yell.  When I had visions of blue booties and pink tutus, it didn’t include me yelling at their occupants. I’d like to tell you that I never yell. I’d be lying. Yesterday, I yelled at the boys, “Why do you make me yell at you!!!” Yeah. Not my best parenting moment. 

Lego hurts a whole lot when you step on them in bare-feet, at night, in the dark. Enough said. Wear slippers.

Nothing is TMI. After giving birth, nursing and potty-training I pretty much lost all filter for what was considered too much information. My girlfriends and I will talk about anything. Nothing is off-limits. And I cannot even begin to tell you some of the crazy stuff that has come out of my mouth, or the boys mouths for that matter. Conversations that I never thought I’d have. Things that I never imagined myself saying! Yesterday, I told Nicholas that if he stopped running around naked and put his pajamas on, then the puppy would stop trying to nip his…ahem. TMI? Not in my world.

You’ll never have complete privacy again. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom just to have a few minutes of alone time. They always find me.

You’ll never sleep the same way again. My father-in-law once told me this. I thought he was just talking about the newborn stage. He wasn’t, and he was right. I sleep lighter now than I ever did (and not just because Pierre snores!). Even on nights when there are no nightmares or potty-trips or growing-pains. In my sleep, I am still parenting.

Say good-bye to your cute clutch. Except for maybe on date-night, and even then it depends on whether you have the energy to move all the stuff you need from one purse to another. I thought that, after we were done with diapers, I could ditch my big shoulder-bag. I was wrong. Right now, I actually wish my purse was a little larger. At all times, the contents of my purse contain: wallet, phone, first aid kit, snacks, crayons, mini-coloring book, Matchbox cars (no wonder the darn thing is so heavy!), Advil, Dramamine, hand-sanitizer, brush, coupons, IPod Touch, Chapstick, organizer, pencil, pens, calculator…you get the idea. Sometimes, I feel like Mary Poppins. All I need is the coat-rack and mirror. 

You really do need that village. I remember hearing this before I had children. At the time I thought to myself: No way. No village. I don’t want that many people involved in the raising of my child. Was I ever wrong! No child is raised in a bubble, and no parent can do it alone. At least Pierre and I can’t. And I am so, so thankful for the people who make my boys' lives what they are: Family and friends, neighbors and teachers, pediatricians, OTs, PTs, coaches, swim instructors, and the bus driver who always waves hello. All of these people, and more, have something to teach my boys, some way that they will make an impact on their lives. And I am grateful, especially as I watch our village grow.

I could write more. Don’t even get me started on the hormones, or the way my clothes fit, or just how long it really does take to get out of the house, especially in the winter. Snowsuits were invented to torture parents. 

But, for now I’ll pass the ball to you. What have you learned since having children? Share with me!!

xo Naomi