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A Letter to Ben

To My Wonderful Ben,

Tomorrow is your first day of Kindergarten.

Tomorrow you’ll be getting on the school bus for the first time, going to a new school, and joining a new class. It is the first day of a whole year of new adventures.

Are you excited? You’ve been so quiet when Papa and I ask you about going to school. Maybe you’re a little scared. I’m a little scared too. Maybe you’re a little nervous. I’m a little nervous too. I know that you were feeling scared and nervous during orientation last week. Me too. It was hard to walk you to the front of the gym to join your class, with your little hand squeezed tight in mine. It was so hard to let go of your hand, and watch you go. But, you went. I watched you walk courageously out, to meet your new teacher and join your friends. No matter how scary it was, you went. You were so brave! You made me brave too. You helped me to watch you go.

Tonight, before bed, we picked out your favorite shirt to wear on your first day. Your new running shoes, the ones that you said were so cool when we found them in the store last weekend, are sitting under your desk ready for your feet to slip inside and take them away. Do you know how handsome you will look with your toothless smile? How much I love seeing your eyes light up when you grin? I’m going to take a hundred pictures of you in your first day shirt. It might embarrass you, but it can’t be helped. It’s what mommies do. One day, you might not mind.

When I tucked you into bed tonight, we talked about our plans for the morning. We’re going to go to the grocery store, just me and you, and choose a special lunch to eat before the bus. We’re going to plan a game of Ladders and Slides, your absolute favorite. Somehow, you always win. Do you know that tomorrow morning will be the shortest and longest of my life? I hope the game of Slides and Ladders lasts forever. When do I ever say that?

I might cry a little tomorrow afternoon, as Papa and Nicholas and I see you off. Please don’t think I’m sad. I’m proud, and well, a little sad too. I’ll just be thinking about what a big little man you’ve become, how quickly you got big, and how much bigger you’ll get still. I’ll be remembering the moment, one January morning in California, when Papa and I found out that you were real, our biggest wish come true. I’ll be thinking about the day to come as we drive away from you on your first day of college. Your new principal said that day would come before I know it. I think she might be right.

 DSC03943 - Copy
   One of my favorite pictures of you.

I hope that you love Kindergarten. I hope that you learn one new thing everyday. You love learning new things. I love watching your face when I know that you are thinking, when I know that you are figuring something out. Your mind amazes me.

I hope that you like your teacher, and that your teacher likes you. That she understands that your questions and quirks are all part of what makes you so wonderful. That she accepts you for you, and understands who you are. I hope she knows how, every though you are one child in her class, you are the one that matters the very most to me. That you are one in a bazillion.

I hope that you remember to be respectful and polite. That you say your pleases and thank yous and raise your hand and hold the door.

I hope that you find your old friends at recess. Old friends are your family on the playground. I hope you make new friends too. You don’t need a lot of friends. Just a few who you trust and like, and who like and trust you. Friends who make you smile and laugh. I hope that your heart only breaks a little when someone doesn’t let you play or leaves you out. On that day, my heart will be breaking enough for us both, and my arms will be open to soothe your hurt. My arms will always be open.

I hope that you try new things, even things that make you scared. That you think about that day in the gym during orientation, and remember just how brave you are.

I hope that school will be a safe place for you to explore and learn and grow.

Tomorrow afternoon I’ll be at the end of our road, waiting for you to come home. I’ll looking for your toothless smile as you hop off the bus. I’ll be ready to hear all about your first day, and every other day afterwards. I’ll be there waiting. I promise.  

Have a great first day, my wonderful Ben.

I love you.

xo Mommy 

P.S. You can read this when you are eighteen, and laugh at your silly, emotional mom.

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